Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Thoughts of a repressed, stressed, and overworked mind...

I am at work right now at what I like to call my day job, kind of at my wits end with everything here. Yes, it pays the bills but I feel so stressed from being pulled this way and that way by coworkers in need of my help.

In this economy, I do feel lucky to have some sort of cash flow coming in. But I wish that I could do something more passionate and creative to supply that cash flow.

Reading these on Etsy.com, make me hopeful for something like that in the future.

I guess, if I ever want it to happen I have to stop procrastinating. I think, that it's less procrastinating and more fear.

It's like that in a lot of aspects of my life come to think of it. At 32, I don't have a license to drive. I want to remedy that, but I'm afraid of getting into a huge accident and crashing and dying in the car crash or worse being somehow permanently damaged, maimed, or paralyzed. People call this irrational and boast about the freedom I will have from acquiring a driver's license, (and they may all be well meaning albeit quite annoying at times) but they don't understand the fear I have inside of me.

Maybe this fear stems from my childhood and the shitty way I was treated by my "peers". Maybe it comes from lack of true encouragement by family and friends. Maybe it comes from the post-traumatic stress I endured from my last relationship.

Who knows? I sure as hell don't, if I did I'd be working on fixing it.

Sigh... well, I am going to try to learn this year. 2012.

It would be nice to blast MY music in MY car...and everyone else would have to deal with it. And SELECT people would be able to change the station. But the people I'd want most in the car would NOT want to change it in the first place.

So I guess I'll chose that motivation to learn to drive. The fact I would get to pick the music...all the time!

I guess I have to find motivation for all aspects of my life. So I can stop being so aggravated. It's really starting to take it's toll on me in all ways...mental..physical..and emotional.

I guess today's a good day to start right?