Friday, February 22, 2013

I guess maybe I had a quarter life crisis?

Hey all,

I am now finally going to talk about the situation I alluded to in this previous post in January. It took me a while to get my head around everything and now I think I can talk about it.

Of course, I must start at the beginning.

I had been unemployed since February of 2012 from a job I didn't want to lose. Yes it had it's ups and downs and sometimes it was annoying but in retrospect, it was a pretty great job especially my bosses there. I didn't come to this realization really though until I had a very...difficult person to work for.

I had been applying everywhere for about 6 months when I ran across a job posted in the paper. It was along the lines of what I was looking to do so I applied. Coincidentally, I also knew someone who worked at this company and told them I applied. She graciously helped the office manager see that I was the right person for the job and in mid-October of 2012 I got employment there.

The person I knew didn't work for the Executive I was set to work for I but she knew everyone there and for the most part everyone was great. The other people in the same position I was were very helpful to newbie me and I always felt free to ask them about anything I needed to know. This was one of the reasons I stuck around for as long as I did.

I had the usual hiccups of trying to get used to a new job, like learning all about the different departments and who did what (the company was pretty huge) and I was expecting patience from people. I got it for the most part, all except from the Executive I worked with directly. I was his assistant in a long line of previous assistants.

At first I thought I would be okay, I would just ignore his negative and mean remarks towards me and just concentrate on the good about the job. The great benefits, the salary, the close proximity to my house, etc. and also the fact that I wasn't a known quitter at anything. I tried to ignore when he, and I quote, told me that "My best wasn't good enough.". I just chalked it up to his difficult personality when he beckoned me to be silent when he was speaking even if what he was saying was puzzling to me. I tried to not pay attention to the times when I had tears in my eyes from the pressure he put me under to be his idea of perfect. I really tried to be a good employee. Once in a while he would be in a good mood and would lighten up on me a bit. This was another reason I tried to stick around. I guess it was his Sith mind trick.

It was a fast paced enviroment, so I tried to move as fast as I could without making mistakes. I was doing pretty well except for minor things that Executive did complain about to the office manager who then told me. I can take constructive criticism so I remained conscious of my shortcomings. I realized then that I was under his microscope. I could not make a mistake.  But, as we all know, if you are unfamiliar with something and you try to rush your progress, that is where you will make mistakes. And as predicted, I did.

One day in late November, almost an exact month and a half from when I started, Executive asked me for something. Executive had previously told me to keep this certain something on hand and easy for me to get right away. I had done that but as I was still trying to navigate the insane filing system left to me by my predecessor, I had forgotten where the convenient place was. So I had asked him for a keyword so I could search for it on my computer.

He then proceeded to YELL at me in front of several of my coworkers for not being able to give it to him immediately.

For everyone's information, after he basically threw the keyword at me, I found the document in question in under two minutes. I was kinda fuming after that. I told the office manager what happened and she told me to let him cool off. I thought that was a pretty logical thing to do. Again, I ignored the foreboding I felt. Despite everything, I really didn't want to quit! 

I tried to disregard that every day I went to the job I had a nervous stomach. For the first two or three weeks, I thought it was the jitters from starting a new job.  The pains just got worse and worse. I was waking up exhausted and nauseated and had stomach cramps. This went on for the entire time I was there.

I knew it was the job and not my overall health because we had a company wide week off in December during the holidays and I did not have a stomach cramp or pain and I did not feel queasy until I returned to work.  I guess my body was really trying to tell me something. The day I went back to work from the break, the stomach problems resumed.

I went on to work a very busy Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. On that following Monday, I woke up from a troubled sleep and went to the bathroom and vomited. After I vomited, I began to shake so bad that I couldn't even speak. My boyfriend saw me in this state and suggested I stay home from work. After he left, I began to cry uncontrollably and the shaking kept going. I was in the midst of a full blown panic attack and I was alone.

I did what any girl who has good family around would do, I called my mother. She suggested that I call the HR department of my job and tell them how I felt. I did just that but it didn't solve my problem. I realized that being that no one could help me at the job to diffuse the situation, I had no other choice than to quit.

I guess and you can't change someone's personality and way of dealing with other people. I couldn't change Executive, I could only change me or my situation.

Since then, I had not had a nervous stomach problem or ache or sleepless night. Except when my boyfriend snores of course ;)

I had realized that I needed to change my life for the better.

I needed to finish my college education. I realized that I love to write. I love to be creative and I love to talk about being creative. So, I am going to go back to school to be a teacher. Just like my dad was. Except he taught History for the most part, I want to teach English.

Since unemployment pretty much refused my ploys to collect, even though I told them pretty much the contents of this blog, I am without a job or income now. I want to get a part time job and I am looking. I am a crafty girl and I think I will be okay. If anyone knows of any part time jobs let me know :)

Even though I don't have money, I feel great that I stood up for myself. I never do that.

I guess I realized through all this that I'm not pathetic or stupid or worthless and I need to stop letting people treat me like I am.

It starts now.

"Into the great wide open, under them skies of blue..."


Good 2013 -The Next 15

Hello all,

Here is the next list of 15 good things in 2013.

It gets hard to write these sometimes I must admit but here they are.

Jan 31 - Vampires make me happy.
Feb 1 - I'm glad I have heat and shelter.
Feb 2 - I put together one of those fake fireplace mantel things all by myself. It's pretty.
Feb 3 - I love to cook and make my own recipes.
Feb 4 - The kindness of my friends and family is not something I take lightly.
Feb 5 - Good to see that I have made a difference in an animals life. Trixie is comfortable enough with us that she is up on the couch now whereas she was very much afraid to before.
Feb 6 - I'm thankful for my ability to create cool looking things. My Etsy shop is a result of that.
Feb 7 - I feel hopeful. Hope is a good thing.
Feb 8 - I'm glad for the first time in I think ever John got to stay home in a snowstorm and didn't have to stay at work. This makes me very happy. I know that he is safe here with me and not floating around somewhere in the snow LOL.
Feb 9 - I went to Hoboken for a while. I'm glad I can look on that city with fond memories. I had/have some great friends who live/lived there.
Feb 10 - Today I submitted to my first writing contest. I probably won't win but it was really fun writing. The prompt was a 3 minute phone message. :)
Feb 11 - I'm happy for the house I live in. It has really changed my life.
Feb 12 - I did something today that I should have done a long time ago. (Answer to this in my next blog.)
Feb 13 - I'm glad my boyfriend loves to cook as much as I do. And clean, I think I'm more glad for the cleaning part ;)
Feb 14 - This day about love was more about patience for me. And I am glad I have both. No candy or flowers or balloons. Just good love and company.

Until next time...

Friday, February 8, 2013

Nightmares you wish would come true.

I had a pretty awesome dream last night. But first I have to give you some backstory. I have reoccurring panic stricken nightmares that my ex-boyfriend (whom I have a restraining order against) comes back into my life. In the dreams, he is usually trying to trap me or hurt me or damage my life or the lives of the one's I love in some way. 

But in last night's dream, my soulmate and boyfriend tricked and hurt him in the dream. He pretended to be nice to said ex  boyfriend and shook his hand... Just to flip him over onto his head and put him flat out onto his back. 

While he was on the ground ex boyfriend disappeared into thin air. I kinda woke up applauding. My boyfriend had already left for work, otherwise I would have thanked him for saving my life over and over, even in my dreams. :)

I hope this means ex boyfriend will be absent from my dreams for a while. I don't even hate him anymore, I just would like to never see him ever again, in my nightmares or otherwise. 

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

The Good 2013 - The Next 15

Hello all,
Here are the next 15 Good Things of 2013.
Been kinda hard lately keeping it positive I must say but posting this list every 15 days gives me a reason to try and smile.

Here goes...
Jan 16 - Slept in and then made a sign for outside with our house number on it and it came out great!
Jan 17 - The Vampire Diaries came back on TV today and I got some brainstorm style writing done for a chapter in my novel.
Jan 18 - Played the classic text based game Zork for the first time in a long time and it was fun even though I never get past the maze underground.
Jan 19 - Took Trixie to the dog park and then had a wonderful sushi dinner and movie night with John. We watched Expendables 2, The Dark Knight Rises and half of the Avengers. Stayed up pretty late!
Jan 20 -  Had a wonderful spa pedicure and manicure courtesy of my John.
Jan 21 - I am glad that I live in a country that shows progress by who they choose as President, two terms in a row.
Jan 22 - I realized that even though the person I love would rather me take the easier path, he understands my need for personal progress.
Jan 23 - I created a bunch of new beads out of clay. I love being creative.
Jan 24 - I had my first driving lesson today. I found out that I am no longer scared of driving.
Jan 25 - Listened to an album I haven't listened to since my teenage years. Superdrag - Regretfully Yours and I still pretty much like it.
Jan 26 - I had a great night of sleep. Which is rare for me.
Jan 27 - I worked on my novel. Things are really starting to flesh out nicely. I can't wait until the whole story is in place then I can edit.
Jan 28 - Another driving lesson. My teacher thought I parallel parked before. I was that good I guess?
Jan 29 - I appreciate the way my boyfriend looks out for me and how good opportunities are coming my way.
Jan 30 -  I love on demand on Cablevision. It's awesome.

Next list will be up around Valentine's Day <3