I'm really not afraid anymore.

I'm not afraid anymore of what other people think.

I know I've said this a bunch of times in my life but this time I mean it.

I had the opportunity to be in a band this week. A band that, although it may be just in it's formative years will probally be really successful because they have a strong, über-talented, and determined individual heading them. He liked my voice ( the position in the band was just for a singer) and thought I would fit with his band. 

But after speaking with him for a while I realized that his dream is not my dream.

I spent a lot of my life in a rock band hoping that we got picked up by some major label for stardom.  I had never gone on tour but I did have a representative from Columbia records (are they even around anymore?) look at the band I was in in the late 1990s- Early 2000s. I know people who are incredible musicians who have been through the ringer of the modern day music making and made it through alive but with what some people would see as short lived fame. So I know the ins and outs of the life. It's just...

I have no dream of being in a famous band anymore. 

Now don't get me wrong, this does not mean that I am giving up making music. I have just been slowly losing the desire and passion that I once had for it and I DO NOT want to fake it. I never want to cheapen music like that. I simply love it too much not to give it 1000%.  Now some people might think this is sad or lazy and a waste of talent on my part, which I honestly and truly appreciate ANYONE who thinks I'm talented at ANYTHING but I really don't see it as a waste and I am certainly NOT being lazy. I'm just seeing the truth of what is in my heart and mind. I don't have the drive and desire I once had. 

I still have a project that I am working on with a long time friend of mine that I really do want to see to completion but after that, I have no plans for music in my future. I'm not barring it from my future but I'm not going to force it or anything creative I do anymore.    

Through this weird process of uncertainty with my music, I have rediscovered the creative process that started it all for me:  Writing. As I have mentioned here before, I have been working on a novel and I have also been compiling some of my old writings onto my website. This process for me has been really rewarding and dare I say it makes me happy. 

And happiness is what I need to strive for now in my life. My own happiness.