Normal

On nights like these I wish I was the type of person who could just close their eyes to rid themselves of the world and their own personal troubles.

But unfortunately for me it is not that easy.
There are some people I know, like my boyfriend, who can remain happy as long as there is nothing he can do about what is worrying him.

He figures that if there is nothing you can do about it then there is no use in worrying.
I don't know how that logic digests in his system.
In his brain and heart system.

You see, me, I worry about everything.
I was so worried last night when my dog was suddenly afraid of coming inside for no rational reason (there was nothing scary at all) I cried myself to sleep. I mean it hurt so much to have to grab her by her scruff and put her inside that I felt like I had abused her. An animal that I know and love made me feel like I was not deserving of her love and trust. She should trust that I was not and will never be in the business of hurting her. I am at a loss for understanding her at all lately.

There was not much else I could do in the situation I guess, to look at it from my boyfriend's perspective but as my personality is, I can't ignore the situation or her oddball irrational behavior.

I think also the fact that I have been out of work for quite a while and now starting to get super duper depressed about it is not helping my mental preparedness for this sort of thing.
I feel sorta guilty for feeling sad because I had to grab her and push her inside. I didn't do it violently, but I didn't (and really couldn't) do it gently either.

Sometimes i want to just give up. On the dog, the job search, the way I'm making my boyfriend feel with my weepyness, everything.
Not being a close friend of normal has served me well in some parts of my life, but sometimes i wish normal would pay me a visit once in a while.